OMG Parkinson's

I am newly diagnosed with Parkinson's, my doctor and family tell me it is important to communicate my thoughts and feelings, to develop a support group.  So, I started a hand written journal, which I shared with one of my nieces.  She responded with, "Aunt Mellie you need a blog...and to that I said a what"?   Long story short, she arrived at my house with a three year old in tow to teach me how to set up this little site.


Now what?


I guess I will start by sharing a little bit about me prior to PD.  I am a very high Type A personality, I perform at my best with  a pile of deadlines that are impossible to deliver. I also have struggled my entire life with the need to be in total control of everything in my life and of all those who impact my life.  Of course, all sane people know that this kind of drive can be a blessing in some environments and a disaster in others, not to mention unbelievably exhausting.


Over the past 37 years, I have worked my way up the corporate ladder and for the past twelve years I have been managing Real Estate functions at a regional and national level for a major communication firm.  Outside of raising my children my career has been one of my biggest accomplishments. 

My beautiful husband (without a doubt the best decision of my life) of three years and I have a blended family of adult children and several precious grandchildren.  My life is wonderful, I have many blessings, but I am so overwhelmed that I sometimes I lose sight of this fact.  Something is wrong, I can't handle everything as efficiently as I use to, I don't find the stress as exhilarating as I had past.  I am learning that I can't control anything or anyone, but me no matter how much effort I invested.  What is up with that!!! This pretty much rocked my whole world!


I also realized that I had taken care of everyone and everything except me.  I am overweight, out of shape and stressed out most of the time....did I mention it is exhausting to think you can control the world. 


These concepts come to some of us at a slower pace than others.  To be so intelligent in so many areas,  I am a very slow learner when comes to learning what really matters in life.  For about ten years, I have known that I am not as happy and fulfilled as I wanted to be.  I wanted to change, but I wasn't really sure how to make those changes.  I was trying to take charge and force things to be better that didn't work so well.  I finally decided maybe the best thing was to "Let go and let God", so I starting praying to God to let me get control of all the things that I wanted to fix in my life and the life's of others.  OMG... I think he probably laughed so hard he cried.  Over the last ten years, I have made lots of progress, but it has been slow and even though I have gotten better at letting go and just working on improving me as a person,  I have learned it is very hard to change old habits.  But, I believe that the biggest obstacle is to recognize you need change and to keep searching and striving to find the place inside you that provides you a better quality of life.  In this struggle for improvement I continued to fight my basic instincts to control and fix. I believe if we pay attention to God he is always showing the path that is best for us, but unfortunately I kept getting in my own way.  When you don't listen to God I think he has to play hardball to get your attention.

Well....he got my attention and I now know that God has a sense of humor, maybe even a little mean streak....


August 23rd, 2010 - The Day God said "Listen to me


After visiting several doctors from January to August, I ended up in the office of  Dr. Kfalter the head of neurology at OMC about my silly shaking hand.  As I sat in his office, I was thinking what a waste of time and money.   I probably have a pinched nerve or something and I am just going to go through a lot of test that I don't need, wasting time and money.   Why do we doubt ourselves in doctors office waiting rooms?  Before long I was called back to see the doctor, little did I know this visit was going to change my life forever...and now I beginning to think in some ways for the better.


The doctor and I had a long discussion about my symptoms and he did a lot of what seemed like very simple tests.  When he was finished he told me his diagnosis was that I had Parkinson's.  My first thought was OH! Hell No!


From there he talked a lot about the disease, medicines, web sites, etc.,etc., etc.  I think I was in shock, I hear words, but I can't process.  My brain is screaming NO! NO! Hell No!


Somehow I got up and walked to the payment desk and actually acted like everything was fine.  My heart was beating out of my chest.  We all remember my control issues, I was actually trying to help the person at the desk figure out my prescriptions and appointments...I never learn.


Then I was in my car, shaking and thinking what now?  I checked my phone and my husband Mike had already called - how do I tell him this over the phone?  He is driving to Alabama for work.  I take a deep breath and dialed his number.  My brain is screaming this isn't fair!  I am yelling at my brain to "Shut up"!  I am struggling to calm myself and my brain is thinking of every terrible thing that this disease could mean.  My head might explode.  I've got to calm down so that I can talk to Mike - O.K. I am finally calm enough to dial the phone and hopefully be able to communicate to Mike and not scare him to death.


My beautiful husband listens as I say the words, "I have Parkinson's Disease" for the first time. I felt like someone punched me in the gut! He listens and tells me that everything will be O.K., we console each other and hang up!


I sat in that parking lot for what seemed like hours to allow myself to focus, calm down and get my heart to stay in my chest.   Somehow, I managed to drive across town and get home. I spent the rest of the night in an empty house on a roller coaster of denial and absolute panic.


August 24th, 2010 - Reality


As I woke this morning my first thought was "God, please let this be a dream".  Unfortunately it was not - so I start the reality of my first day with PD.  I took a deep breath and made the decision to pretend I didn't know, can you say complete denial! This lasted until I went to bed that night, as I lay there in the dark I spent hours battling with the terror of what this disease could mean and trying to maintain logic.  I am not talking to God right now, I am mad.


August 25 -26th, 2010


Repeat August 24th


August 27th, 2010


I woke up after after another very long night!   Part of me just wants to curl up and stay in bed.  Then I woke up enough to remember Mike comes home today.  This thought brings joy and concern!  I need the comfort and safety of his arms - but will he see me differently, will he want to deal with this - I love him too much to hurt him,  O.K.I need to get my head out of places it shouldn't be...quit feeling sorry for yourself, get dressed, put this aside and go handle the day.


I made it through the day and am excited that in just a few hours my sweet, adorable husband will be home!  I can't wait, but for the first time in many years I am nervous about seeing him - will he be different, will we be different together?  I know he loves me and I love him - quit panicking! 


As soon as I saw his face, I knew everything was going to be fine! There is nothing that I can't do with him by my side.  We were tentative at first - I think we were both afraid of our emotions, if we said the words out loud.


At the end of that first week,  I have realized that my life and my husband's life have just changed and it is totally up to us how that change impacts our quality of life.


Next post - A plan, I need a plan!